


Cataclysmic

by Evoxine, NoHappyEnding



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Escorts, Anal Sex, Angst and Romance, Emotional Sex, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, NHE Round 3, NHE2018, Nipple Play, Rimming, nhe, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-18 02:24:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17572520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evoxine/pseuds/Evoxine, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding
Summary: Jongin falls hopelessly in love with the one man able to make him feel alive, but Sehun is not the person people want him to have. And so, against the protests of his heart, Jongin finds himself faced with the challenge of walking away from him.





	Cataclysmic

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Türkçe available: [Cataclysmic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20735513) by [Kkamjong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkamjong/pseuds/Kkamjong)



> **Prompt #:** 46  
>  **Prompt:** A spends the last night before his wedding with the rent boy he fell in love with.  
>  **Prompter:** Anonymous  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Sehun/Kai  
>  **Side character(s) (if any):** Sujin (OFC), no side EXO members  
>  **Word count:** 14K  
>  **Author's note:** Thank you for the agony that is the experience of writing out your prompt into this fic. I hope it hurts you just as much as it did for me.

The first time they meet, Jongin tells himself it would be the last time.

He’s twenty-eight, fresh out of business graduate school and left to fend for himself amongst the sea of sharks in the corporate world. His father, the head one of the largest businesses in the region, had demanded Jongin to build his way up the ladder, refusing to give his son any freebies in the corporate world. With all of the expectations piled upon him, he's too caught up in trying to do more, do better, and time becomes a luxury that he does not have. The build-up of stress is inevitable, and the weight that’s constantly pushing down on his shoulders ultimately leads him to visit a particular website. At three in the morning on a Friday, just hours before he needs to get up and go to work, Jongin finds himself scrolling through a male escort site. A pile of finished paperwork resting off to the side of his desk screams  _you have no life!!!_ , and without a second thought, Jongin pays for an escort.

Work ends at seven that day, but Jongin is forced to stay back an extra hour just because some incompetent fucker messed up and he is the only one able to fix the problem. When he finally gets home, he is greeted at the door by a tall man with eyes that stop him dead in his tracks.

“Mr. Kim? I’m Oh Sehun – from Estorica Agency?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” Jongin croaks. His keys slip from his grasp, dropping to the tiled floor with a crash that echoes through the corridor and rattles his breath. “Shit, sorry, I was caught up at work.”

“It’s alright. I haven’t been waiting long.”

It takes Jongin four tries to unlock his door.

“You don’t do this much, do you?” Sehun asks as he follows Jongin inside. Without being asked, he toes off his shoes and places them neatly by the wall.

Jongin winces. “That obvious?”

“A little, but I actually prefer it that way.”

As the man shrugs out of his coat, Jongin takes the time to study him.

“You don’t look like a –” He catches himself in the nick of time, but the meaning behind his unspoken words is crystal clear.

“I get that a lot,” Sehun says with a stiff smile. “Usually it’s something about how I don’t look like the typical whore.”

Fuck, that was not at all what Jongin meant. “That’s not what I meant,” Jongin hurries to say, nerves buzzing with the thinly veiled look on Sehun’s face that screams  _I’m offended, and you’re an asshole._

They stay standing in the spacious hallway (ironically, his father had given one of his luxurious apartments to Jongin as a graduation gift), staring at each other in silence until Jongin sighs and drags a hand through his hair. The strands are stiff with wax, his shoulders are stiff with exhaustion, and he really needs a hot shower right about now.

“I apologise,” Jongin says. “I’ve had a long day, and while I know that doesn’t excuse my behaviour, it is an explanation, at least for me. You’re free to leave if you’d like – I know I’ve paid for the night, but I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want to do.”

An eyebrow crooks and Jongin fights back another sigh.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he says. “If you’re not here when I return, I’ll understand. No complaints or anything of the sort will be filed against you, so… yeah.”

With that, Jongin escapes into his bedroom, locking the door behind him and slumping against the heavy wood. God, what a mess. He grabs a pair of sweatpants and fresh underwear, skin practically itching for a much-needed shower.

Water pummels down on him as he stands beneath the showerhead, head hanging and palms flat against the rough stone wall across from him. Steam seeps into his bones and temporarily soothes the aches of the day.

He spends a few extra minutes in the shower, stepping out only when the pads of his fingers start to shrivel. Towelling off, Jongin steps into his clothes and slings the towel around his shoulders, giving himself a once-over before shrugging and making his way back into the living room.

Not entirely sure what he’d expected, Jongin assumes it wasn’t this. Sehun’s still here, sprawled across Jongin’s couch with the TV remote in his hand. His shirt’s off, displaying an expanse of silky skin and toned muscles that has Jongin swallowing past the sudden dryness in his mouth.

“You’re still here.”

“Well noted,” Sehun quips, eyes flicking over to Jongin. The sweep of his eyes from Jongin’s head all the way down to his feet is brief, but it’s enough to cause goosebumps to erupt.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“I’m okay, thanks.” Switching off the television, Sehun stands and rolls his shoulders. “Want to get started?”

Sehun heads into the direction of his bedroom and Jongin can only hurry after him in a slight panic. He finds the escort sitting on his bed and in the middle of unbuttoning his pants. After sliding the garment off long legs, Sehun looks up at him and asks, “What do you want?”

Such a simple question and yet Jongin draws a blank. Sehun, perched at the end of Jongin’s bed, looks up at him expectantly.

“I… Don’t know.”

“No kinks?” Sehun sounds genuinely surprised, and Jongin supposes he can’t quite blame him for it.

He flushes, uncomfortable under the attention and unsure of what to say. He’s not a virgin by any means, and he’s quite confident in knowing what he likes and what he doesn’t. But somehow, Sehun manages to bring out the long-gone virginal boy in him and it’s horribly embarrassing.

“… I think I want companionship,” Jongin mumbles after one too many seconds of hedging, his face hot enough to fry an egg on. “Sex is just the easiest way to get it.”

Sehun lets out a stream of air. Something in his gaze softens when Jongin glances over at him and he beckons him over.

“Get undressed,” Sehun commands, tone gentle enough to keep Jongin’s fight-or-flight instinct down. “Then make yourself comfortable. I hope you don’t mind cuddling.”

Mere minutes later and Jongin finds himself swathed by his covers, head pillowed on his favourite pillow and a very naked Sehun in his arms. It’s a little uncomfortable – Sehun’s just an inch or two taller than he is, and Jongin is doing his best to keep his pelvis angled  _away_  from Sehun’s butt.

“Relax,” Sehun chides, digging his elbow into Jongin’s side. “Your whole body will cramp if you stay this tense throughout the night. Look, let’s just… talk, yeah? Tell me about yourself.”

Jongin isn’t the type to spill his life story out to a stranger, but there’s something about Sehun that makes it very easy to do so. The more he talks, the more he relaxes into the man’s warmth. After twenty minutes or so, he finds that they’re pressed up from top to toe and their laced fingers are resting right over Sehun’s heart. If he focuses hard enough, he can just about feel the beat of his heart.

He drifts into slumber at some point during their conversation and it turns out to be the best night’s sleep he’s had in years.

Saturday rolls around in sun-soaked sheets and pliant muscles. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Jongin props himself up on his elbows and peers around the room. That’s when he hears the muted sound of running water, gaze landing on unfamiliar clothes folded neatly at the corner of his bed.

The night’s events come rushing back to Jongin and it takes all of his willpower not to bolt from his own apartment. Steeling himself, he takes a deep breath and gets dressed before heading into the kitchen to brew some coffee.

He’s pouring coffee into the second mug when he hears footsteps, and he turns around to see Sehun dressed and looking oddly at ease.

“Hello,” Sehun greets, leaning against the refrigerator. “Did you sleep well?”

Jongin holds out a mug that Sehun accepts. “Yeah, I did. Thanks. Uh, milk and sugar?”

“Black is fine, thank you.”

For what seems like hours, they stand at opposite ends of the kitchen, Sehun blatantly surveying Jongin while the latter tries his best not to meet his gaze.

“You should call me again,” Sehun suddenly says, voice so strong that Jongin nearly drops his mug. “For anything.”

The escort steps forward to place something on the kitchen table and sets his half-finished coffee down next to it. “Thanks for the coffee and the shower, but I have another appointment to get to. I hope to see you again, Jongin.”

It’s the sound of his front door opening and closing that shakes Jongin out of the daze he’s in. Exhaling, Jongin swipes Sehun’s card off the table and stares down at the numbers printed in the middle of the embossed paper for a long time. It’s his direct line – apparently, the agency isn’t his only source of clients. Finishing his coffee, Jongin places the mug in the sink and tosses the card away.

But barely twenty seconds later, he swivels back and retrieves the card from the trash.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The fifth time they meet, Jongin tells himself that the next time would be the last time.

He’s still trying to figure out what their relationship is. They haven’t even kissed, much less had sex, and Sehun seems perfectly okay with their current arrangement: dinner sometimes, cuddling most of the time, falling asleep together all the time.

If anything, Sehun seems to enjoy the nights they spend together, as if being in Jongin’s presence also helps him destress and relax. The man definitely piques Jongin’s interest, but he’s never been in a platonic relationship with someone whose job is to develop sexual ones. It’s a little disorienting and Jongin doesn’t know what future, if any, they could possibly have. But for now, this is alright.

Sehun is a good listener. Having a willing soul to confide in is something that Jongin hasn’t had for years and it’s something he doesn’t know he needed. Each meeting is spaced out over at least a couple of weeks, giving Jongin enough time to stock up on stress and grievances that he unloads onto Sehun.

Tonight, after a heated rant regarding a few of his snobby co-workers, Jongin finds himself in bed with Sehun’s head pillowed on his chest and the clean scent of his own shampoo drifting up into his nose.

“So,” Sehun says, breaking the comfortable silence. “I got something I want to tell you.”

That’s a surprise. Sehun usually doesn’t say much, only responding to Jongin’s words with the appropriate sounds.

“Oh, okay. Um, what is it?”

Sehun twists around and rests his chin on Jongin’s sternum. “I kinda wanna kiss you.”

“...Kinda?”

A slow, Cheshire-type grin spreads across Sehun’s face. “I  _really_ wanna kiss you.”

It’s like the cogs in Jongin’s mind stuttered to a complete halt. He’s not blind – Sehun is insanely attractive and  _kissing_ is the lesser of many things that Jongin has thought about doing, but never acted upon.

“Just one kiss,” Sehun clarifies. “Nothing more, nothing less. Unless you say otherwise.”

Jongin chances a look at Sehun’s lips and nearly whimpers when he sees how soft they appear to be. As if Sehun knows just what would seal the deal, the tip of his tongue darts out to wet his lips. That shine – well, Jongin can’t really help himself after that.

With a hand under Sehun’s chin, Jongin drags the man up and presses their mouths together, fingers sliding into thick hair and gripping the strands tight. Sehun responds with great zest, lips parting and tongue curling into Jongin’s mouth slow and hot.

It technically  _is_ one kiss, although by the time they part for air, they could have traded over a hundred pecks.

Jongin thumbs at Sehun’s kiss-swollen bottom lip, tracing the faint blur of pink that extends over the natural line of his lips, thanks to all the gentle nipping and pressure from Jongin himself.

“For someone who hired an escort and didn’t want to sleep with him, you’re an amazingly good kisser,” Sehun chuckles, settling back into his original position, cheek pressed against Jongin’s heart. “Anyway, as I promised, we won’t do anything else unless you want to.”

Jongin stares down at the top of Sehun’s head and his brain whirs back into life.

“Do you ever… decline a job?”

When a finger trails down his ribs, Jongin shivers.

“Yes,” Sehun answers, finger dipping into Jongin’s navel. “But only if I know the client is rough, disrespectful, or just a Grade A asshole. Gotta make a living, you know?”

“Have you ever thought about declining me?”

That has Sehun sitting up, clearly surprised.

“What? You? Why would I?”

“Don’t you get bored?”

Sehun blinks at him, eyebrows raised so high that Jongin starts to wonder if eyebrows could cramp.

“You’re easily one of the best clients I’ve ever had. I don’t care if we don’t have sex; I enjoy your company just as much as you seem to enjoy mine.” He smirks, “I should tell you that if you should ever choose to engage in  _carnal activities_ , that I will always be amenable to it.”

Jongin flushes and all but pushes Sehun’s head back down onto his chest – he can feel a smile against his torso, and it’s like a shot of adrenaline straight into his heart.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The eleventh time they meet, Jongin resigns himself to the fact that it would probably happen again.

Because this time, instead of toeing the line between platonic and sexual, they leap right over it. It’s another Friday night, filled with a lot of wine, a lot of shameless flirting on Sehun’s part, and a lot of half-hearted resistance on Jongin’s. Dinner is only half-finished by the time the kissing starts, Sehun gently pushing Jongin back against the couch cushions and settling down on his thighs.

After eleven meetings over the span of six months, Jongin’s uncertainty surrounding the idea of sex – specifically, sex with Sehun – has finally faded from a blaring alarm to a quiet voice in his mind. It’s quiet enough for his heart to make itself heard, and it  _screamed_.

The guy is a drug: his voice, touch, laugh… everything about him makes Jongin’s heart beat double time. As much as he tries to, it’s hard to ignore his growing feelings for the escort and arriving at this particular crossroads is something that Jongin figured was inevitable.

“I don’t want you to regret this,” he blurts, fingers digging into the meat of Sehun’s thighs.

Sehun pauses, fingers poised to undo one of Jongin’s buttons. “Seriously? I don’t want  _you_ to regret this. Look, I don’t know why you’ve been playing a game of tug-of-war with yourself – don’t give me that look, I can tell –, but I know you want this just as much as I do.

“There’s just… something about you,” Sehun continues, finally slipping one button through its hole. “I don’t know what, exactly, but over the past couple of weeks, I spend several moments every day just hoping you would call. I look forward to our meetings, Jongin. Admittedly, you might not be the first person I’ve felt this with, but you’re one of the very few.”

At the end of Sehun’s mini-speech, Jongin’s buttons have all been undone, save for the one holding his slacks in place. They don’t take their eyes off each other while Sehun pushes the shirt off his shoulders, crisp cotton bunching up at the sleeves before Jongin pulls his arms through.

“My father,” Jongin begins, thumbs sweeping in absent arcs over Sehun’s thighs as the latter peels off his turtleneck. “When I came out to him, he didn’t deal with the news very well. A more apt description would be: he threatened to disown me if I didn’t ‘get over the phase’.”

Jongin refrains from bringing up the additional fact that he has to marry a woman by the time he turns thirty – for some reason, he doesn’t want Sehun to know that.

Turtleneck tossed aside, Sehun settles a palm over Jongin’s heart and listens.

“I know how traditional he is and as a result, I have never dated anyone for more than a few months. The fear of my father finding out, the fear of his reaction, the fear of shattering the massive expectations he has placed upon me since my birth –” Jongin exhales. “I didn’t want to sleep with you because I was afraid it might become something more. Something that my father can destroy.”

Humming thoughtfully, Sehun lets his hand trail down to the waistband of Jongin’s slacks.

“I hate it when people think sexuality is something that can be changed on demand,” Sehun says quietly, closing the distance between them until their foreheads touch. “It’s ignorant, disrespectful, and fucking hurtful.”

Jongin closes his eyes, scared of what he might feel if he looked into Sehun’s own.

“But what’s living if we don’t take risks? What else will make you feel alive?”

Sighing, Jongin angles his head and captures Sehun’s lips in a chaste kiss. Sehun responds immediately, hands falling around Jongin’s face in a soft hold, thighs tensing as he rises on his knees for better leverage.

“You deserve to live, even for a little while.”

Making their way to the bedroom all tied up in each other isn’t a particularly easy task, but it’s with a unique sense of relief that they fall into bed together, a shared goal in mind. Hands knock into each other as they fumble with their respective pants and underwear, the clothing eventually flying off into some area of the room.

The weight of Sehun over him is intoxicating and Jongin can’t look away from how shadows play across the planes of the man’s face where light fails to cut through the hair hanging in his eyes. He steals another kiss.

With a muted groan into Jongin’s mouth, Sehun catches Jongin’s wrists in his hands and pins them above his head, pressing them down into the pillows.

“Keep your hands there,” Sehun breathes, eyelids fluttering when Jongin nips at the hollow of his throat.

They skip right over foreplay – in hindsight, their meetings have been long, torturous sessions of foreplay, anyway – and dive right into the heat of things. With Jongin’s help, Sehun manages to find the bottle of lube without any trouble, and within moments he’s pushing a slick finger inside himself.

Jongin drinks up the sigh of  _relief_ that Sehun releases, fingers grabbing the edge of a pillow in a death grip as he mouths messily down the side of Sehun’s neck and across his clavicles. His skin is already starting to colour, red and purple rising to the surface – Jongin really hopes the marks will stay for at least a few days.

When he rocks his hips up and their erections brush, Sehun’s lips part and he lets out the most emphatic  _fuck_  that Jongin has ever heard. So of course, he does it again. The head of Sehun’s cock catches against the flare of his own, leaving behind a thin line of precome that breaks when Jongin pulls his hips back.

He can hear the faint squelches of lube being worked into Sehun over the sounds of their breathing. The arm that’s keeping Sehun propped up over Jongin is starting to tremble, a result of both exertion and pleasure, and Jongin really wants to touch.

“Let me touch you.”

As soon as Sehun nods, Jongin flips them over. He rests his knees inside of Sehun’s and watches, mouth dry, as Sehun pulls two fingers out of himself.

“You said you wanted to touch.”

God, he really does. Collecting the excess lube around Sehun’s glistening hole, Jongin slicks up his fingers and pushes in, savouring the velvety heat around his digits. He sits back on his haunches and leans down to brush his lips over the jut of Sehun’s hip bone, smiling to himself when Sehun’s entire body tenses at the touch. When he looks up at the escort and curls his fingers, he sees Sehun’s pupils dilate until his irises are nothing more than a thin ring of dark brown.

The second he pushes a third finger in, Sehun sucks in a lungful of air and surges up, desperation clear in how he jerks Jongin’s head down for a bruising kiss.

“Now,” Sehun demands, nails digging into the flesh of Jongin’s shoulders. “Do it now before you have time to regret it.”

“I’m not going to regret it.” He leaves another angry mark on Sehun’s neck, taking a few seconds to watch blood from broken capillaries bloom to the surface. Then he pulls his fingers out of Sehun, rolls on a condom, and almost folds Sehun in half with a hand behind each knee.

He places a kiss on Sehun’s calf and another on the curve of his knee.

“Okay?”

Sehun nods, knuckles sweeping along Jongin’s cheek. “Yeah.”

The slow slide in almost feels like coming home after a long, long time away.

The sheer pleasure makes his head spin and Jongin groans, hips stuttering to a stop once he’s completely sheathed. He barely gets a moment’s reprieve before Sehun is tugging on his hair in a silent demand for him to move.

Jongin draws back slowly, hyper-focused on the delicious heat around him and the sound of Sehun’s breath hitching, then he thrusts back in nice and firm.

He keeps that steady rhythm for a while, content with watching and listening to Sehun slowly come apart with every rock of his hips. Then, without any warning whatsoever, he speeds up and Sehun completely loses it. His noises of pleasure blend into one smooth stream of moans, interspersed with choked cries of Jongin’s name and demands for him to go  _faster, harder._

So Jongin goes faster and harder, wrapping a hand around Sehun’s flushed cock and timing his strokes with his thrusts. Sehun comes with an incoherent cry, back arched and strung like a bow, releasing all over Jongin’s hand and his stomach – Jongin’s so enraptured by the sight that he doesn’t even feel the nails raking lines into the flesh of his back.

Jongin is able to give it another few thrusts before he comes too, cock pulsing his release deep inside Sehun. He collapses onto Sehun, the latter grunting when Jongin’s weight lands on his torso, but instead of pushing Jongin off, Sehun simply slides a hand into his hair and strokes.

The pounding of his heart is almost loud enough to drown out his laboured breathing, but Jongin hears Sehun’s blissed-out laughter as clear as day.  

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Sehun says. Jongin can feel his grin against his forehead. “Sometimes I laugh when my brains have been fucked right out of my skull – apparently it’s a quirk that I have. I guess it’s kinda weird, huh?”

They’re sticky and sweaty and boneless, but Jongin really doesn’t want to move.

“Yeah? I think it’s a wonderful quirk.”

Sehun kisses him on the head.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The eighteenth time they meet, Jongin doesn’t want it to ever end.

Ever since the day Jongin finally gave in to both his heart and mind, they’ve been meeting every Friday night like clockwork. The ‘platonic’ in their ‘platonic relationship’ no longer applies, but neither one of them seems to be able to agree on another term.

It’s definitely sexual – Jongin’s pretty sure they’ve already done it at least once in every room in the apartment, including the balcony. It’s also intimate, judging by the amount of information they’ve taken to sharing with each other. Sehun has been more than open with him over the last few weeks, telling Jongin everything from his favourite toy as a young boy to the exact dish he orders at his favourite ramen restaurant (shoyu, double meat, extra seaweed and sweet corn, thin noodles, and an egg). It’s nice, Jongin realises, to be the one listening. Sehun’s voice is soothing and he’s just so  _cute_ when he talks.

Jongin doesn’t have any trouble coming to terms with those aspects of their relationship. He does, however, struggle to wrap his head around the (very likely) possibility that there might be  _romance._

It’s in the way their eyes meet and linger, the way they lace their fingers together during sex, the way Sehun dries Jongin’s hair for him while Jongin tries not to fall asleep. It’s the way they can’t help but smile at each other when Jongin opens the door to let Sehun in, the way they share a kiss before the door even swings shut.

It’s the low burn of jealousy in Jongin’s gut whenever he thinks about Sehun with one of his other clients.

Maybe he’s fighting it. He is probably fighting it. Hell, he is  _definitely_  fighting it.

Every time they meet, every time Jongin gets to push Sehun into the sheets and drink in the moans that leave his throat, Jongin feels as though he’d just won a battle. But will he win the whole war?

“Hey,” Sehun says conversationally. It pulls Jongin out of the depths of his mind, from thoughts that he shoves away for nights when he’s alone and unable to fall asleep.

“Hmm?”

“Would you be willing to make a pizza with me next week?” There’s an excited flicker in his eyes as he elbow crawls across the bed to where Jongin’s sitting propped up against the pillows, laptop on his lap as he squeezes in some last minute work. “There’s this shop that lets you make your own, rolling out the dough and all that. You can even stuff your own crust, can you believe that? Then they’ll cook it for you – is that even the right term? Do you cook pizzas? Anyway, I’ve been seeing it all over social media and I’ve been wanting to go.”

Jongin blinks at him, a little overwhelmed and very enamoured by how Sehun rambles when he’s excited about something.

“I mean, if you’d rather just stay home I’m sure we can do something similar, we’d just have to –”

“No,” Jongin interrupts, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “We can go.”

“It’s a date,” Sehun smiles, dipping his head to plant a kiss on the back of Jongin’s hand.

A date. The idea has his gut churning and his heart fluttering. He wants it, wants a lot of them, but he doesn’t know how many dates they’ll be able to go on before someone inevitably wants something more.

He hasn’t told Sehun yet, but his parents have been calling and subtly hinting at the desire for Jongin to bring home a potential wife. He’s twenty-eight, turning another year older in just a few months. The dreaded thirty is just around the corner.

But he doesn’t want a wife. He doesn’t want to be married to a woman by thirty and have a child by thirty-one. He wants to leave this life behind and run off to some other country with the man he loves. Of course, that can only be a dream, just wishful thinking, because he owes his parents far too much – a privileged childhood, top-tier education, a plethora of experiences that most individuals his age rarely have – to be able to leave with a clear conscience.

Jongin will admit that he’s being selfish, wanting to start something with Sehun that he can never see through to the end. He wonders if Sehun knows just exactly what he might be getting himself into. If he does, why is he still around? Is it because this is ultimately just a job for him? Sure, it’s a possibility, but Jongin doesn’t think so – no one can kiss someone else like that and not feel something more than just sexual desire.

He’s scared to ask. If acting like everything is alright will keep him around for a little while longer, Jongin is more than willing to put on the show of his life.

Again, it’s selfish, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The twenty-ninth time they meet, Jongin wishes he could find the courage to tell Sehun what the man deserves to know.

Jongin doesn’t really know when or how they ended up like this, but for all intents and purposes, it seems as though they have chosen to commit to each other.

A few weeks ago, Sehun had declined Jongin’s payment for his weekly visit for the first time, pushing Jongin up against the wall and telling him, “You’re not a job to me and you haven’t been for a while. I don’t want to continue pretending that you are, Jongin, not when you mean so much more to me.” He’d kissed him after, a soft and tender press of their lips that sent heat curling around the length of Jongin’s spine.

Sehun comes over more often now, staying over when he doesn’t have appointments with clients, and they go out on dates. So many dates. Jongin doesn’t think he has ever felt this alive. They don’t call refer to each other as boyfriends, nor do they admit the presence of feelings stronger than fondness or adoration. But some things don’t have to be said in order to be known.

Tonight, they’re lounging on the couch. While Jongin frowns over several documents, Sehun’s got his socked feet tucked underneath Jongin’s thighs and a controller in his hands as he plays Skyrim with the volume turned down low. The sound of buttons getting pressed over and over again would usually annoy Jongin, but tonight he simply listens to it as he reads through his documents, Sehun’s feet a solid and present weight on his thighs.

Time passes like this, with Sehun’s attention on the game and Jongin’s on his work, but there’s a part of them that remains finely attuned to each other. Sehun picks up every absent sigh that escapes Jongin’s lips and Jongin doesn’t miss the shift of Sehun’s frame as he moves to stay comfortable.

It’s as close to perfection as something can get, and for now, it’s enough to dissuade Jongin from telling Sehun the one thing that would shatter it.

His mother had called a few days ago and informed Jongin of an upcoming date she had arranged with one of her friends’ daughters. The family name had been familiar – everyone who belonged in that particular social class knew of each other, after all. Before she hung up, Jongin’s mother made it very clear that his father expected him to attend.

“Don’t disappoint him,” she had said. Jongin simply bid his goodbyes and ended the call.

The date is set for the upcoming Saturday, a luncheon at one of the most expensive sushi restaurants in the city. Jongin isn’t looking forward to it whatsoever – a part of him wants to bring Sehun there with him, see the expression on the woman’s face when she pieces two and two together. Would she support them? Would she understand the obstacles that Jongin is facing? Probably not.

Jongin knows that he will end up doing the one thing he dreads the most. If it pleases his parents, he will woo her, taking a huge step closer to the heteronormative wedding that they have always wanted. He will bring her out to places that he has already gone with Sehun, shower her with presents that he knows Sehun would hate, and say sweet nothings with Sehun's face in his mind's eye.

There are many ways to get to the finish line, but the finish line itself will never change. Jongin can choose the harder path, but there is no possible way he will be able to end the race with a different result, not when he’s the only runner.

He looks over at Sehun, drinking in the slight furrow between his brows and the way he’s chewing incessantly at his lower lip. They do not have forever together, that much is certain. That fact chisels away at Jongin’s heart, one chip at a time.

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Sehun sing-songs, eyes still fixed on the screen.

“Just wanted to look at you a little more,” Jongin says. “You’re quite perfect.”

He gets a kick to the inside of his thigh for that, a faint dusting of pink-red rising up in Sehun’s cheeks. “Give a guy a warning when you say shit like that,” Sehun mutters. He pauses the game and looks over at Jongin. “You’re pretty perfect yourself, you know?”

 _If I were perfect_ , Jongin thinks,  _I wouldn’t be keeping secrets from you._

Instead of using his words, Jongin reaches over and thumbs at the soft curve of Sehun’s cheekbone. Sehun lets him do whatever he wants, lids shuttering as he relaxes into Jongin’s touch. The controller lies forgotten on the carpet.

“Can I ask you something?”

Sehun hums, turning his head to kiss the pad of Jongin’s thumb. His lashes are a smear of dark ink beneath his eyes and Jongin thinks it’s gorgeous.

“Why do you choose to stay with me when you know we might never be able to be more than this?”

“Because I want to, Jongin. Because you make me happy. There really isn’t a world-changing reason for why I’m here. Even if I end up losing you, I would want to know that at least I tried.”

Gathering up his papers and placing them aside, Jongin pulls Sehun upright and sits back to let him settle down on his lap. Long arms wind themselves around his neck and a smooth cheek presses against the slope of his shoulder. Jongin hugs him back immediately, burying his nose into Sehun’s hair and breathing in the scent of the one person in the world he wants to give his heart to.

“Don’t think too much about the future,” Sehun says into his skin, fingers idly stroking the short hairs at Jongin’s nape. “Just think about us. Right here, right now. It’s all that matters.”

Jongin wants to tell Sehun that he can’t help but think about the future because it’s a bleak one without him in it. But the words won’t come out, so he just holds Sehun a little tighter and hopes for a miracle.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The thirty-seventh time they meet, Jongin wishes he could take Sehun’s hand and escape to another continent.

For the past couple of months, he’s had to take the girl – Sujin, the daughter of a shopping mall tycoon – on at least a dozen dates. The worst part isn’t the handholding and the goodbye kisses, it’s the fact that she is enjoyable enough to be around, just not in the way his parents are hoping she would be. She’s charming and witty in a way that reminds Jongin of Sehun, she seems to take pride in paying for her own purchases, and she gives Jongin his space.

When Jongin told her that a pre-arranged marriage isn’t what he wants, she had whole-heartedly agreed.

“But I think I could come to love you,” she had said. “From what I hear, you are a very decent person. You’ve definitely treated me well so far. I know you take me out these dates out of respect for our parents, but I’ve also been trying to use them in hopes of developing feelings for you. It’s okay if it takes you a while longer to adjust – I understand.”

Jongin wanted to show her just how much she did  _not_  understand.

He’s known Sehun for almost a year now, and for the  _nth_  time since the day they met, Jongin wonders why the world is so cruel. Against all odds, he found the one person that had everything he’d ever wanted in a lover, and yet he would never be able to give them a forever.

Sehun still has no clue about Sujin. Jongin doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to work up the courage to tell him.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to tell Sehun that he loves him, either.

“Do you believe in alternate realities?”

The cold marble of the sink’s countertop shocks where it touches his stomach, but Jongin doesn’t budge. His toothbrush is in one hand, wrist resting against the edge of the sink. Behind him, water rushes from the showerhead and nearly drowns out Sehun’s reply.

“...could exist,” is what Jongin manages to pick up.

He squeezes out a blob of toothpaste onto his toothbrush and sticks it under a thin trickle of water.

“Do you think we would’ve met in all realities?” He hears the snick of the shampoo bottle opening. “I want to think that we would be able to find each other regardless of whatever reality we're in.”

“Yeah, Jongin. I think we would.” Sehun sounds so confident, so sure of himself.

Heart heavy, Jongin sticks his toothbrush into his mouth and brushes methodically. Sehun starts humming a song that Jongin doesn't recognise and he tries to commit the sound into memory.

Spitting out the toothpaste, Jongin rinses out his mouth and toothbrush.

“I wish the first time we met was in another reality.” The words are too soft for Sehun to hear.

Jongin stares at his reflection in the mirror and wonders if the hopelessness in his eyes is evident to anyone else.

The screen of his phone lights up and Jongin glances at it –  _lunch tomorrow? i was thinking of that greek place you said you liked :)_

He so desperately wants to turn her down, but instead, he reaches out and types a simple  _sure, see you tomorrow_  as a reply. The message sends just as the shower shuts off and Sehun steps out with a towel around his waist.

Their gazes meet through the slightly foggy mirror and Sehun smiles at him, all beauty and perfection, everything that Jongin will soon lose.

He steps close to Sehun’s shower-warm body and pulls him in for a kiss, the contact slick with water and filled with the scent of his shampoo. Sehun melts into his hold, palms pressing against Jongin’s back to keep him close as droplets of water burst between their torsos.

Jongin kisses him until Sehun is dry and his lips are full and red.

“Turns out I have to go into work tomorrow afternoon,” Jongin murmurs, brushing the tips of their noses together. “But what do you say we wake up early and make some waffles?”

“I’ll do anything as long as it’s with you.”

The hands on his back slip down to the swell of his ass, thumbs hooking into the waistband of his underwear.

“Again?” Jongin asks, amused despite himself. “It hasn’t even been two hours.”

“I can’t stay away from you and you can’t deny me,” Sehun grins.

 _God, I really do love him,_ Jongin thinks. He plucks at the towel around Sehun’s waist and watches as it drops into a pool of white at their feet. Sehun’s laugh is bright and delightful, and Jongin clutches onto it like a lifeline, letting Sehun lead him back out into the bedroom.

When Sehun settles down between his legs and peers up at him, Jongin decides to focus on the here and now. Their time together is finite and Sehun deserves all the attention that Jongin can possibly heap upon him before they have to part ways.

He watches Sehun litter a line of kisses up the inside of his left thigh, the last kiss turning into a love bite that Jongin immediately treasures.

Sehun takes him down his throat and Jongin’s gasp nearly results in the utterance of those three words. But he slaps a hand over his mouth in the nick of time. Not yet.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The forty-eighth time they meet, Jongin realises that it’s likely the only anniversary they’ll ever get to celebrate.

It’s been a whole year since the first time they met, since the first time Jongin held Sehun in his arms. Blessedly, their anniversary lands on a Sunday, giving them ample time to spend together without worrying about work.

Sehun comes over on Saturday night – Sujin had wanted to grab dinner and a movie, but Jongin swiftly turned her down, giving her a half-hearted excuse when she prodded – and they spend the entire time tangled up in each other on the couch. Movies play on the television throughout the night as they trade dozens – possibly hundreds – of kisses, bundled up in a blanket and sharing body heat.

They fall asleep squeezed together on the couch, somehow managing to get a good night’s sleep despite the complete lack of space. Jongin gets a couple of bony elbows in the gut and a lot of hair in his mouth through the night, but Sehun is warm and soft in his arms, and that’s really all that matters.

Jongin wakes up on Sunday with a sore neck and stiff shoulders, yet Sehun wakes up moments after looking super refreshed. When Sehun turns over in his arms and nuzzles into the crook of Jongin’s neck, all discomfort promptly flies out of his body, leaving him happy and sated.

“Can’t believe it’s already been a year.”

The words are pressed directly into his skin, courtesy of the soft pressure of Sehun's lips.

“Me too. There aren’t enough words in the world for me to tell you how much I treasure you and the time we’ve spent together.”

Sehun kisses his pulse and Jongin wishes this day would last forever.

They finally roll off the couch when one of Sehun’s legs go numb. Jongin watches him hobble towards the bathroom – when Sehun disappears from view, Jongin gets up and heads over to where his coat is hanging.

The box is where he’d left it, small and square, covered with black velvet. It fits perfectly in his palm, and as he walks into the kitchen to prepare breakfast, he opens the box for another look at the ring. It’s a thin diamond eternity band, simple and delicate with just the faintest sparkle.

It’s a crude version of a proposal, something that Jongin wants but can never have.

He tucks the box behind a few tins of tea and starts on breakfast. Eggs are sizzling away in the pan when Sehun appears behind him, an arm around his waist and a sharp chin on his shoulder.

“You wanna go wash up? I can take over. I make eggs better than you do, anyway.”

“Rude,” Jongin says, pretending to be affronted just so Sehun will give him a placating kiss. He gets the kiss, as well as an extra one to the cheek, and lingers in hopes of more.

“ _Go_ ,” Sehun laughs, giving Jongin’s ass a swat as the latter turns to leave.

Before he turns the corner, Jongin looks over his shoulder and takes a mental picture of Sehun standing by the stove, wearing nothing but underwear and the creases of the blanket still imprinted on his skin.

By the time Jongin re-emerges from the bathroom, breakfast is ready. Neither of them are breakfast people, so it’s a simple meal of eggs, buttered toast, and Greek yoghurt with honey and fruit. Sehun’s setting the table when he walks into the kitchen, but Jongin stops him and tells him to take a seat instead.

“Let me do the rest.”

So while Sehun starts munching on his toast, Jongin grabs the needed utensils and the hidden box. One by one, he sets the items down in front of Sehun – fork, knife, spoon, box.

“Thank –” Sehun looks up at him, eyes wide. “What’s that?”

“It’s not an engagement ring,” Jongin says quietly, settling into the opposite seat. “It’s a promise ring, of sorts.” He watches as Sehun opens the box and lays eyes on the ring. “I can’t promise you things that any other person could, but I can promise one thing: my heart will always,  _always_ be yours.”

“That’s a big promise,” Sehun mumbles, slowly pulling the ring free from its slot in the cushion. Light bounces off the small stones and refracts into tiny sparkles, a muted type of ethereal beauty that echoes Sehun’s own.

“I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

At that, Sehun looks up at him. There’s so much love in his eyes that Jongin almost does something impulsive – call Sujin to end things, call his parents to end things, tell Sehun how stupidly in love with him he is…

Sehun doesn’t say anything, simply extends both hands across the table, right hand holding the ring and the left with his fingers outstretched.

“Shouldn’t you be the one that puts it on?”

The feeling that settles into the spaces in Jongin’s heart is bittersweet. While Jongin knows that they won’t be together in the future, at least Sehun will always have the most important part of him.

He takes the ring and tugs Sehun’s left hand a little closer. Bringing those willowy fingers up to his lips, Jongin kisses the spot on his ring finger where the ring would go. Then he slides the band on, happy to see that it fits perfectly.

“Hey,” Sehun says, and Jongin looks up to see unshed tears in his eyes. “Whatever happens, at least we had our time together.”

Jongin nods, unable to speak past the unbudgeable lump in his throat.

“Now eat,” Sehun continues, swiping a tear away and squeezing Jongin’s hand. “Food’s getting cold and we have so many things to do today!”

So many things to do in so little time. Jongin takes a large bite of eggs and toast – better make the most of it and give Sehun a day he won’t forget.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The sixtieth time they meet, Jongin has to hide a bunch of things away and pretend that they don’t keep interfering with his thoughts.

His mother had dropped by the night before in order to hand over the brochures of several apartments for him to choose from.

“A wedding present from your father and I,” she said, cupping his face in her hands. “Sujin is a lovely girl and the both of you deserve a place to call your own when you finally tie the knot.”

Marriage? This soon? The mere thought of it sent ripples of ice slithering right down his spine.

“We’re expecting the engagement to happen in the next couple of months,” she went on to say, rummaging around in her bag before she digs out a maroon ring box. “She chose this ring herself. Three carats, cushion cut…”

Jongin tuned his mother out to focus on keeping his breathing even – both the weight and feel of the box in his hand had felt  _repulsive_.

Now, the ring sits in the back of his sock drawer and Jongin plans to let it stay there until the very last minute. The brochures he kept in his briefcase, having chosen to bring them to work instead of keeping them in the apartment that he’s come to associate with Sehun.

He’s not at all opposed to getting a new apartment when he marries Sujin, not when the mere thought of bringing Sujin into this apartment – into the bed he shares with Sehun, the couch that hosts so many of their movie marathons, the closet that holds a few piles of Sehun’s clothes – shatters him. It’s been half a year and she has never once stepped foot in this building, a fact that Jongin plans on never changing.

Falling asleep that night proved impossible.  _A proposal, marriage, moving in together,_ kids _?!_ The morning rolled around in a haze of exhaustion and misery; Jongin only managed to survive the workday with the help of four cups of coffee and the knowledge that he would get to see Sehun after.

It’s a little after seven in the evening and Jongin has just changed into a pair of comfortable sweats when he hears the telltale jingling of keys out in the hallway. Something smacks into the door with a dull thud and Jongin snorts when he hears Sehun’s emphatic  _shit_ filter in through the gaps around the frame.

The lock turns and the door swings open, revealing a particularly dishevelled Sehun.

“Had an appointment with the biggest asshole today,” Sehun huffs, shrugging out of his leather jacket as he toes off his shoes. “We had a whole argument over him using a condom – he did eventually, but the prick wanted to take it off and come on my back. I told him if he did that, I would stuff the used condom so far down his throat that his dick would be wearing it from the inside.”

Jongin no longer gets that weird crawl of jealousy whenever Sehun talks about his work. It’s interesting, the way that Sehun complains about his job – he sounds just like Jongin when he complains about his own.

“Damn, bet he backed off after that,” Jongin says, leaning back against the couch to let Sehun fold his tall frame onto his lap.

Sehun scoffs and flops directly onto Jongin’s chest, arms winding tight around his neck. “Oh yeah. Paid me extra, too, probably an effort to soften me up. Not that I’m ever going to see him again.”

When Jongin brushes his nose against Sehun’s jaw, he catches a whiff of cigarette smoke and isopropyl alcohol. He can’t help it – he grimaces.

Sehun laughs. “Yeah, he’s a smoker too. Stunk up the whole room.” He clambers off of Jongin’s lap and peels off his shirt. The ring on his finger glimmers with the motion. “Gonna go shower. Can you make that avocado pasta today? Been craving it the past couple of days.”

“Of course. If I ever say no to you, please pinch me.”

With a groan, Sehun leans down and kisses Jongin square on the mouth. “You’re so good to me.”

Jongin waits until Sehun heads into the bedroom before he stands, back cracking in multiple areas when he straightens to his full height. He’d never really been into cooking, back before Sehun appeared in his life. But Sehun  _loves_ food, enjoys almost all cuisines, and while the way to his heart isn’t necessarily through his stomach, it’s definitely a shortcut.

So now he loves cooking, if only for the happiness that blooms on Sehun’s face whenever he sees a plate full of food on the table.

The pasta’s cooked al dente and he’s in the middle of mashing up a bunch of avocados when Sehun pads through the door.

“Hey, babe? I accidentally knocked over your briefcase and a bunch of apartment brochures fell out.”

Jongin freezes, food masher in hand.

“You gonna move?”

The chair legs squeak across the hardwood floor when Sehun pulls it out and settles down onto the seat.

“No, not me. My mother’s thinking of buying a new place,” Jongin says, mind working fast enough to come up with a lie. He keeps his voice even and his eyes trained on the half-mashed avocados. “She wants my opinion.”

“Oh okay. Well, definitely not the one with the glass stairs and that weird wall. I don't even know if that's meant to be a wall. Whoever designed that apartment should not be a designer.”

And just like that, Jongin decides on the apartment that he’ll be sharing with Sujin in the future.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The seventy-seventh time they meet, Jongin can’t stop thinking about the engagement ring that’s sitting in his sock drawer.

After a  _lot_ of inner conflict, he has finally decided to pop the question at the end of the month, too fed up with the weekly calls from his parents asking if he'd proposed to Sujin yet. Sujin herself isn't very subtle about it, always managing to bring up at least one aspect of the wedding – usually the goddamn dress – every time they meet.

He's thought about how to do it, too. He has to, because he knows Sujin will want a good enough story to tell her group of friends while they gush over the ridiculously huge ring weighing down her finger. Problem is, he just can’t picture himself proposing to anyone but Sehun.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sehun’s sprawled out on his stomach, the flush in his cheeks still rosy and warm. His muscles are loose and pliant, brain fuzzy from the pleasure, the flesh of his ass still tender from the firm grip of Jongin’s hand. He’s got a pillow beneath his cheek, lashes fanned out against his cheekbones as he basks in Jongin’s attention.

A washcloth, damp with warm water, swipes gently between Sehun’s asscheeks and down the insides of his thighs. When Jongin deems him clean enough, he tosses the washcloth into a corner and drops a kiss on the dip of Sehun’s spine.

Jongin settles down next to him and smooths his hands up and down Sehun’s back, the latter purring like a happy cat basking in the sunlight.

“You look like you have something on your mind.”

Startled, Jongin stops his absent stroking and glances up to see Sehun peering down at him.

“Oh.” He flattens his hand against the curve of Sehun’s ass, thumb resting in one of the dimples by the base of his spine. “Well, someone in my office just got engaged and I was, ah, thinking about engagements.”

“What about it?”

Jongin shuffles about, pulling the covers over them and reaching up to sweep Sehun’s hair out of his eyes.

“I was thinking about how you would want to be proposed to.”

One of Sehun’s eyebrows lift.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I might not be able to do it, but I would still like to know.”

Sehun props his head up on an elbow and chews on his bottom lip in thought. “Under the stars, standing barefoot in the shallow waters of the ocean. Maybe a puppy or two frolicking around our feet.”

“Our?”

“Would there be anyone else for me, Jongin?”

They gaze at each other for a long time, silence heavy but not uncomfortable between them.

“Sehun,” Jongin blurts, heart thudding in his throat. “I lo–”

Sehun’s fingers land over his lips, effectively stopping the two remaining words from slipping out.

“Don’t,” Sehun whispers. His mouth curves into a sad smile. “I know you do and I do too. So much. But once you say it, once it’s out there and  _I hear it,_ I will never be able to let you go when the time comes.”

The fingers come away slowly and Sehun replaces them with his lips.

“Another lifetime, Jongin. Promise me.”

“I-I promise.”

When Sehun kisses him a little harder, a little more desperately, Jongin makes it a mental note to propose to Sujin somewhere that is far, far away from the ocean.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The eighty-ninth time they meet, Jongin finds himself thrown headfirst into wedding preparations and hating every second of it.

Alright, he isn’t so much responsible for the preparations as he is being on the receiving end of Sujin’s constant babble about it – cakes, place settings, flower arrangements, location… the list goes on and on and it’s driving Jongin crazy.

In fact, before Sehun’s arrival tonight, he had to text Sujin and tell her that he’d be busy rushing reports for the night and wouldn’t be able to answer any of her calls. Honestly, the woman can call up to  _fifteen_ times in one night. Jongin doesn't know if Sujin feels anything close to love towards him – he doesn't expect her to, not when he hasn't been sincerely courting her, but why would she be so excited over their wedding if she wasn't emotionally invested in it? Either way, Jongin will never be able to relate.

The bathroom is steaming up from the shower and Jongin is slowly getting cooked under the stream of water, much like a lobster in a pot. The heat’s nice though, working well to bleed the tension out from his shoulders and washing them down the drain.

He’s slowly scrubbing at his underarms when the door to the bathroom creaks open and a familiar figure appears.

“Hi,” Sehun says, tossing a pair of fresh underwear on the sink counter. “Mind if I join you?”

“Of course. You just get here?”

Sehun nods, stripping out of his clothes with impressive efficiency. “Been a long day. Had a talk with my boss about renegotiating my contract and what the new terms would be like – suffice to say, there was a lot of roadblocks there. Don’t think we came to an agreement.”

After dropping his clothes into the hamper, Sehun steps into the shower and immediately crowds into Jongin’s space. Jongin lets him, dropping a blob of foam on the tip of Sehun’s nose and smiling when Sehun attempts to blow it off.

“So are you planning to stay with the agency?”

Sehun squirts some shampoo out onto his palm and lathers up his hair, frowning while he processes Jongin’s question.

“Dunno,” he says eventually. “A part of me wants to go solo, but it’s risky, both professionally and personally.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Jongin tells him, stepping aside to let Sehun rinse the shampoo off. “Sleep on it, maybe?”

Sehun nods and Jongin soaps up his back for him, keeping his movements steady as he works at the skin from Sehun’s shoulders down to his ass.

He’s just about done when Sehun looks over his shoulder and says, “You seem like you’ve got a lot on your mind, too.”

 _That’s a kind way of putting it_ , Jongin thinks bitterly.

“Been a little stressed lately.” It’s a white lie, and it’s the best that Jongin can afford to offer up right now. “Work’s been very busy and I’ve got a lot on my plate.”

He watches the suds slide off Sehun’s wet skin and swirl down the drain. Then Sehun’s thumbing at his chin and silently asking for his attention.

“Hey. Kiss me.”

Jongin does, heart still fluttering despite having kissed this man hundreds of times. It’s slick and warm, Sehun tasting slightly of caramel flavoured coffee when Jongin licks into his mouth. Curling a hand around Sehun’s nape, Jongin lets himself get backed up against the wall, uncaring of the sudden chill that shocks his body when his skin and the stone wall meet.

Sehun is an unrelenting force in his life, passion and exhilaration wrapped up in one stunning package. It’s been that way since Day One, and now, Jongin is reminded of it once more.

By the time Sehun wrenches their lips apart, all thoughts of the wedding are gone from Jongin’s mind. Sehun kisses down the line of his neck and along the protrusion of his clavicles, stopping at the dip between his pectorals. One glance up at him and Jongin is instantly transfixed, lips parted as he watches Sehun’s clever tongue flick over a nipple.

“Let me,” Sehun says against his skin, almost quiet enough for the rush of the water to block out his words, “take care of you.”

As soon as Jongin nods, Sehun drops to his knees and mouths at the base of Jongin’s growing erection, tongue hot where it runs along the vein on the underside. Jongin watches as his cock fills out against that sinful mouth, and it isn’t long until its hard and straining up close to his stomach.

Sehun’s tongue swipes rough and heavy against the precome starting to bead on the slick head, lips closing around the flare in a tight seal that sends delicious pleasure radiating through all of Jongin’s nerves when Sehun sinks down. Fingers dig into the flesh of his thigh, a hand keeping him in place while Sehun takes him farther and farther down his throat until he’s fully sheathed.

Jongin grips a handful of Sehun’s wet hair in encouragement, pulling just hard enough for Sehun to moan around his cock. Sehun’s free hand is firmly between his own thighs, water easing the friction of his cock fucking into the channel of his fist.

It’s an actual miracle, the way Sehun works Jongin’s cock like a dream. He knows just how hard to suck, where to lick, and the speeds that cause Jongin’s thighs to tremble. Being able to last for more than a few minutes whenever Sehun is intent on having Jongin release down his throat is, simply put, impossible.

Jongin comes with a moan of Sehun’s name and a helpless jerk of his hips, staring right into Sehun’s watering eyes as the latter takes it all down his throat like he was born to do so. Sehun works him through the aftershocks, easing off inch by inch until all that’s left are his swollen lips around the equally swollen head of Jongin’s cock.

“You –” Jongin croaks. He looks past himself to see that Sehun himself had come, too, his release swirling away in the water.

“How’re you feeling now?”

“Like I never want to lose you,” Jongin says, and pulls Sehun back up for a searing kiss.

But Jongin has long since learned that he doesn’t always get what he wants in life. Later that night, with a sleeping Sehun tucked up against his side, all Jongin can think about is the wedding. The wedding – the day he has to say goodbye to the love of his life, the day he has to leave everything that he’s ever held dear to him behind.  

Jongin closes his eyes and feels the burn of his tears against the inside of his eyelids. God, he's going to shatter Sehun's heart into a million pieces when he's supposed to protect it, to keep it safe. The brutal truth feels like a spear through his own heart.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The hundredth time they meet, Jongin bids Sehun goodbye and leaves his heart behind.

The ceremony is tomorrow, at some fancy garden that cost Jongin’s family five figures to secure. Over the course of the past week, Jongin has packed up a suitcase for his honeymoon and brought that to the new apartment on the other side of the city. He also moves anything work related, but everything else he chooses to leave in the home he shares with Sehun. It doesn’t feel right, taking things out of the one place he feels safe and loved in. He might not be able to come back here ever again, nor does he know what will happen to the apartment once he’s gone, but Jongin has made up his mind.

What hurts the most is the fact that he can’t take any of the photographs with him. There are dozens around the apartment, all in different frames and propped up on surfaces with available space. One night, when sleep evades him, Jongin walks through the apartment and looks at every single one. In the photographs, they’re always smiling happily, eyes crinkling when the camera takes a permanent snapshot of that particular moment.

He does keep one, however, folded and tucked into his wallet. In it, he’s kissing Sehun’s cheek, and Sehun has the most fulfilled expression on his face. It’s Jongin’s favourite picture of him, of them.

Changing the name on the apartment’s deed to Sehun’s wasn’t easy, but he had enlisted the help of one of the best lawyers in the city. Sehun doesn’t know, but he will find out soon enough. He'd informed his parents that he wants to hold on to the apartment and for them to refrain from selling it – they were so happy with the upcoming nuptials that they easily agreed without asking him why.

A glance at the clock tells him that Sehun should be here within the hour. A part of Jongin doesn’t want him to come at all, because that means he’ll have to say goodbye, and how is he supposed to say goodbye to Sehun when the mere thought of it is already ripping him apart?

A loud beep from the oven pulls him out of his thoughts. He’d made a few of Sehun’s favourite dishes tonight – he can’t give Sehun much, but a good meal is something he can definitely do.

Sehun arrives just as he’s cleaning up the kitchen, and Jongin can hear his excited “Ooh, something smells really good!” all the way from the entranceway. When Sehun enters the kitchen, Jongin gets a kiss on his cheek and a warm back hug as rewards for his efforts.

“So what’s the special occasion?”

“You’re special,” Jongin points out, hating how white lies come so easily to him now. “I don’t need an occasion to cook for you.”

Dinner tonight is just as pleasant and comfortable as any of their other dinners. For a moment, Jongin wonders if he should’ve taken Sehun out to a fancy restaurant instead, but when Sehun off-handedly mentions just how much he enjoys eating dinner on the couch and in his underwear, Jongin knows he made the right decision.

After dinner, they share a bottle of wine out on the balcony, Sehun’s legs draped over Jongin’s lap as a gentle breeze washes over them. Conversation is kept to the physical form, declarations of love and affection clear in the kisses they trade and the way their fingers lace. Overhead, stars twinkle down at them.

When the night air starts to get chilly, they head back inside.

“Wanna take a bath? I have this bath bomb thing that I have never used before and apparently it’s fun.”

“I think the fun part would be us naked together in a tub,” Sehun laughs, “but whatever gets you going, babe.”

It’s a big tub and it takes a while to fill, so they spend the time scrubbing off in the shower. After all, no one wants to sit in a pool of their own filth.

The water is nice and warm, smelling strongly of flowers and streaked with various shades of pastel colours.

“We’re going to smell like fairies when we get out,” Sehun snorts, but steps in and sinks down until the only thing left above water is his head. Jongin follows suit, water sloshing out of the tub when he gets in and manoeuvres around Sehun. They end up with Sehun’s back pressed against Jongin’s chest, the porcelain of the tub a cool difference to the warmth of Sehun’s body and the water.

With a hand over Sehun’s heart, Jongin can feel the steady cadence of his pulse. Sehun’s busy trailing fingers through the colours in the water, watching as different pigments blend together.

“Wait – there’s  _glitter_. We're going to _look_ like fairies too, aren't we?”

Jongin can’t help but laugh at Sehun’s incredulous tone, scooping up a handful of water in his cupped hand and letting it sluice down the contours of Sehun’s chest. With one arm around Sehun’s waist to hold him securely in place, Jongin is free to spill as much glittery water down Sehun’s body as he wants.

He doesn’t hold back, practically rubbing the colours and glitter into Sehun’s skin until the man is gleaming like an otherworldly, ethereal being – which he is.

Happy with his work, Jongin settles back and sweeps his fingers along the subtle curve of Sehun’s pec, following the line of the muscle until it breaks over his sternum. He drops a kiss on the back of Sehun’s neck, right above the knob of bone, thumb absently brushing across a pebbled nipple.

It’s a small action, but Sehun’s body jerks so violently in his hold that water splashes over the edge of the tub and onto the floor.

“Oops.”

“You  _know_ I’m sensitive,” Sehun says, digging blunt nails into the meat of Jongin’s thigh.

Instead of answering, Jongin chooses to roll the nipple under the pad of his thumb, deliberate and slow. Sehun’s breath catches in his throat.

“I find it sexy,” Jongin tells him, lips right by his ear. He plucks at the nipple and tightens his hold on Sehun’s waist when he starts to squirm. Jongin plays with it until the skin around it turns a little red, then he switches hands and strums at the neglected nipple until Sehun arches into the touch, demanding for more.

“Turn around, love.”

It takes a bit of adjusting to fit Sehun’s long legs around him, but once they’re in a comfortable enough position, Jongin leans in and closes his lips around a stiff nub. The taste of the bath bomb is strong, but the more he sucks, the more Sehun’s natural taste comes through. He flicks his tongue over it, bites down gently, and sucks just hard enough for Sehun to let out a cry.

When he finally pulls back, Sehun’s nipple is aching, raw and glistening with his spit. Jongin feels oddly proud of himself.

He dips a hand between Sehun’s legs and finds his cock mostly hard, foreskin pulled back from the head.

“Get up on your knees. Let me see that gorgeous cock of yours, hm?”

The main goal tonight is to shower Sehun with attention – Jongin plans on sticking to that.

Water pours down Sehun’s frame as he rises, more and more of his torso coming into view until the head of his cock breaks through the surface of the water. It’s pretty and pink, and oh, there’s glitter clinging to the skin. Jongin leans down and suckles at the head for a second or two before opening his mouth and letting the full weight of Sehun’s cock settle on his tongue. He wants to commit this feeling to memory, the way his lips stretch perfectly around Sehun’s girth and the pressure of the head against his soft palate. He wants to memorise every little thing about Sehun’s body and the way they fit so wonderfully together.

Humming, he reaches around to squeeze Sehun’s ass, the muscle supple and firm under his ministrations. He sucks on the cock in his mouth, tongue pressing up against the underside on each drag back.

“I hope you know that I’m very serious whenever I tell you how good you taste,” Jongin says, pulling off of Sehun’s cock with a wet pop. Sehun’s staring down at him, face flushed and eyes wide. “Turn around? There’s more of you I want to eat.”

Sehun whimpers, but does as Jongin wants. Jongin waits until the escort braces himself with both hands on the edge of the tub before he spreads those delectable cheeks apart and hones in on that sweet spot.

Dusky and just a little pink, Sehun’s hole winks at him and Jongin thinks he could really wax poetry about it. Instead, he flattens his tongue against it and licks over the tight muscle, relishing in the tremble of Sehun’s thighs. He goes right to town, firm strokes of his tongue broken up by several hard sucks, lips sealed tight around Sehun’s hole. It’s sloppy and messy, Jongin so intent on loosening Sehun up that enthusiasm easily supersedes technique.

Blessedly, it isn’t long before Jongin’s able to spear the tip of his tongue inside, picking up on the flavour of their body wash mingled with Sehun’s own unique taste down there. Sehun’s half-sobbing into his own arm, cock hanging heavy and untouched between his legs as he grinds down onto Jongin’s face.

Jongin knows that Sehun can come like that, just from Jongin’s tongue in his ass and the faint scratch of stubble against the soft-peach of his skin. When Sehun’s open enough, Jongin slides a wet finger inside him and crooks it, pressing down on his prostate while he licks at the cling of Sehun’s hole around the digit. Sehun comes with a shout of Jongin’s name, his release mixing with the colourful water in a splash of translucent cream.

“That,” Sehun pants, arms wobbling with how hard they had to work to keep him upright, “that was –”

“Just the beginning,” Jongin finishes for him. “C’mon, let’s rinse off and head to bed. I need to feel you around me.”

Minutes later and they’re falling onto the bed, attached at the mouth, skin still speckled with water and glitter and hair still dripping wet. Breaking the kiss, Sehun scrambles backwards until his head hits the pillow, leaving Jongin chasing after his lips with his own.

Sehun’s legs part naturally, letting Jongin settle into the cradle of his hips. He moans into Jongin’s mouth when a finger slips back inside him, the slide just on the right side of dry.

“You’re too good for me,” Jongin murmurs, pulling back to look at the obscene flush of Sehun’s lips. He reaches over with his free hand for lube, the bottle kept on the nightstand for easy access.

He has done this so many times that Jongin doesn’t even have to look. The amount that comes out of the bottle is just enough for him to slick up his fingers and push two into Sehun’s waiting body. Sehun’s toes curl into the sheets, head tipping back and baring his neck, a pristine canvas for Jongin to leave marks on.

Usually, Jongin would leave just one or two, making sure they’re light enough for concealer to hide – Sehun’s clients don’t like it when he shows up marked. But tonight isn’t like any of their previous nights together, and this time, Jongin doesn’t hold back. For some reason, Sehun doesn't stop him, either.

He sucks a dark bruise right up against Sehun’s pulse point, almost hard enough for it to hurt. Blood floods up beneath the skin, staining the skin an angry purple that Jongin soothes with a swipe of his tongue. He moves lower, mouth sealing over the top of Sehun’s chest. He leaves one there, too, and crooks his fingers just for the hell of it. Sehun moans, cock starting to fill once more from where it’s lying against his belly.

Lower still, Jongin litters Sehun’s flat stomach with an array of love bites, Sehun’s fingers slipping into his hair and digging into his scalp. Done with his artwork, Jongin kisses the curve of Sehun’s cock for good measure.

Sitting back on his heels, Jongin eases a third finger in and reaches up with his clean hand to slip his thumb past plush lips. Sehun sucks on it instantly, tongue curling around the tip the exact way he does to Jongin’s dick.

His fingertip is a little wrinkled when he finally extracts it from Sehun’s mouth – Sehun’s pupils are so blown that all Jongin sees when he looks into his eyes is liquid night.

“Okay?”

Sehun nods, chest heaving.

“Can I –” Jongin pauses, slowly pulling his fingers out. “Can I go bare?”

“Yeah,” Sehun breathes. His erection, resting full and flushed in the crease of his thigh, twitches at the thought. “I got tested a week ago. I’m clean. I know you are.”

“Yeah?”

One of Sehun’s heels nudges into the small of his back. “Fill me. Please.”

Jongin’s hands are trembling when he picks up the lube.

“Let me,” Sehun says, sitting up and holding out a hand. Jongin passes him the bottle and watches as he squeezes out a dollop, slim fingers reaching down to encircle his aching shaft. The lube is cold, but Sehun’s firm pulls on his cock soon warm it up.

Gazes locked, Jongin shuffles into position and leans close, a hand around the base of his cock and one wrapped around the underside of Sehun’s thigh.

The first push inside leads to all of Jongin’s coherency being shoved right out of his brain, leaving him floundering for words while his lungs struggle for air. Sehun feels amazing around him, warm and velvety and snug. Feels like home.

He pushes in, inch by inch until he bottoms out, eyes rolling back in his skull at the constant onslaught of pleasure. A hand around his wrist yanks him forward and he goes with the momentum, elbows on either side of Sehun’s head catching him just before he squishes Sehun with his full weight.

“You feel nice,” Sehun murmurs, kissing his jaw. “Really nice.”

“I could say the same.”

Cradling Sehun’s head between his hands, Jongin looks down into Sehun’s eyes and fights back the sudden, stupid urge to cry. It’s not fair, none of this is fucking fair. Sehun is looking back at him like he’s the answer to every unsolved question in the world, like he was the one who shaped and hung the moon.

He pulls out a few inches then rocks back in, punching the air out of Sehun’s lungs with the snap of his hips.

“Hey,” Jongin says, unable to hide the quiver of desperation that seeps into his words. “I love you. I love you so much. I’m sorry I’m breaking my promise to you and saying it now, but you have to know.”

“Jong–”

“Please tell me you know,” Jongin interrupts. If Sehun picks up on the crack in his voice, he doesn’t mention it.

Sehun’s fingers, a little tacky with lube residue, skates down the side of his face. “I know, Jongin. Of  _course_ I know. How can I not?”

Jongin thrusts again, and Sehun almost chokes on his words.

“I love you too, Jongin. You’re everything to me.”

It’s a sprint to the finish line from there, Sehun locking his ankles behind Jongin’s back to keep his body close while he effortlessly brings the both of them to their peaks. Sehun stutters through a handful of moans when he comes, sounds muffled against Jongin’s shoulder as his release stains their torsos. The sudden clamping down of Sehun’s walls around him wrenches Jongin’s orgasm out of him, gut burning from the sheer force of it as come pulses out of him.

“I love you so much,” he whispers once more, and this time, he lets himself cry. The tears land in Sehun’s hair, still damp from their bath, and Sehun himself is too wrapped up in coming down from his high to notice.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehun sleeps like a log. Jongin supposes it’s a good thing, at least for today.

It’s the crack of dawn, the sun itself barely having risen past the horizon. Jongin carefully peels Sehun’s arm off from where it’s wound tight around his waist and untangles his legs from the covers. Sehun sleeps on, blissfully oblivious to the agony spreading through Jongin’s body with every step he takes away from the bed.

Soft, orange sunlight floats in from the gap in the curtains and spills over Sehun’s naked frame. Flecks of glitter – still present on their skin despite attempts to wipe them off last night – sparkle in the light.  _Breathtaking_ , Jongin thinks.  _Absolutely breathtaking._

He had lain in bed wide awake the whole night, staring up at the ceiling as he held a slumbering Sehun close to him. Each steady rise and fall of Sehun’s chest brought them closer to this very moment, and Jongin spent the passing minutes telling Sehun how much he loves him, over and over again.

His mouth is parched and his voice is rough, and while he has probably said  _I love you_ more than a couple hundred times through the night, it’s not enough. But nothing will ever be enough.

He steps into his underwear and a pair of jeans before disappearing into the bathroom to brush his teeth for the last time in this apartment. The sight of their toothbrushes sitting next to each other in the holder has his heart seizing all over again, and it takes all of his willpower to pick up his own toothbrush.

When he heads back into the room, he sees that Sehun had rolled over onto his other side, knees pulled up to his chest and hair spilling across his face. He steps into his closet for a clean dress shirt that he shrugs on, leaving the buttons undone for the few seconds it takes for him to pull on socks.

Jongin buttons up his shirt as slowly as possible, but he’s running out of things to do in order to prolong his stay.

Fully dressed, he pads over to Sehun’s bedside and kisses him tenderly on the forehead. Brushing Sehun's hair out of his face, he tells Sehun that he loves him one last time. He doesn’t linger in fear of waking Sehun up.

The fissure running through his heart is growing deeper at an alarming rate, but there are still a couple of things that he has to do before he leaves. Jongin heads into the study, where he pulls out the new apartment deed and a blank sheet of paper. Reaching into his pocket, he removes one key from his keyring and sets it down before picking up a pen. 

 

 

 

> _it’s so hard to quantify and describe what we are. i’ve tried so many times, and the closest thing i can think of is a supernova._
> 
> _you took the sliver of light inside me, added nothing but the catalyst that you are, and the whole world exploded right in front of my eyes. we blew out into a balloon of heat and radiation, sparks showering to the ground whenever we touched, and i found you all around me. you are the air i breathed and the water i consumed; you are the milky way and i am but a star in your galaxy. you break me down with every brush of your lips against mine and your legs around my waist, and then you build me right back up with your sun-bright smile and star-speckled laugh._
> 
> _i remember asking you if you believed in alternate realities. you said you did. did you know, that parallel universes are a facet of the astronomical theory of the multiverse? assuming that space-time is flat, the number of possible particle configurations in multiple universes would be limited to 10^10^122 distinct possibilities. with essentially an infinite number of possibilities, the particle arrangements within them must repeat, infinitely, many times over._
> 
> _and so, sehun, i’m sure that we will meet again._
> 
> _when we do, i promise that we’ll pick up from last night, from when you fell asleep next to me without a care in the world. in that world, we’ll pick up right where we left off and i will be free of everything that prevents me from spending the rest of my life with you._
> 
> _i’m so sorry, sehun, for choosing the wants of my parents over the wants of us. i have been asked to start a life with someone that should be you, with someone that i will never love, not like i love you. you deserve so much more than this, than my cowardice, than my fear. i’ve known that since the beginning, but i have never been able to let go of you. i never wanted to let go of you, because i am so terribly selfish._
> 
> _yet somehow, i know that you will never hate me for this, for leaving you with this mediocre explanation and a cold bed. you will understand, and that just makes it that much harder to walk away from you._
> 
> _i leave this apartment to you, sehun, and everything that’s in it. i can’t walk away still tied to you, because if i tried, i will never be able to. i’ll take the memories – the scent of your hair, the warmth of your body against mine, the sound of your laughter, the way you kiss and smile and twirl your pasta counterclockwise. the way you love me, oh god, i will never be able to forget._
> 
> _i leave you my heart, too. i know you’ll take care of it._
> 
> _goodbye, sehun. maybe we’ll run into each other on the streets or catch a glimpse of the other through the windows of a coffee shop. if we do, or even if we don’t, just remember how much i love you. i love you, sehun, and i know i always will. i will say it every morning and every night in hopes that the universe will bring those few words to you._
> 
> _the selfish part of me doesn’t want you to ever love someone else, but i’m in no position to demand that from you. i just hope that a small part of you will always love me, too._
> 
> _together, we are a supernova, but you are the light and the heat and the energy. i’m just around to witness it._
> 
> _forever yours,_
> 
> _jongin_

**Author's Note:**

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